September Entry: My Scattered Thoughts

How have you been? How are you? In a blink of an eye, we may be startled because it's already Christmas. Have you introspected? Any thoughts? How's life in the past seven months?

September… first month of ber-months. I have been reflecting in general, and there are a lot of thoughts as usual, running inside my mind. I hope you can bear with me. It's been months and I was on hiatus in writing. We all need an outlet, and in my case, I'd like to share it with you.

My mind is in turmoil. My personality sucks. I had these little goals in my mind that I wanted to do, but I ended up doing nothing because I was tired and I guess, lack of resources. Contrasting ideas, right? Perhaps, this might be just a babbling of me, or you might say yapping, but please bear with me. I might go insane if I do not let this out. Honestly though, even this writing at the moment, feels exhausting. But I miss writing so much. So, I let myself be exhausted sharing this with you.

For the past seven months, I rarely write anything. I was busy with work for the first four months and spent the three months reviewing for my board exam—which I thankfully passed. I am at the stage of emerging adulthood, and I tell you—once you start the routine, later on, you will feel the monotonous feeling it brings.

How you would like to do more things, but work consumes it for you. How you would like to do more things, but instead of doing them, you will just choose to rest. That was my routine since then. I know, it's about time management, scheduling, and being proactive. I agree with you dear, but sometimes, a person can just do one at a time that much, no? In the past three months, I focused on reviewing the core courses I needed for the board exam. I was grateful for the support of my parents, for real—so the expectations and pressure above my shoulders were heavy. They did not directly make me feel that way, but their genuine support and their belief that I would pass, made me feel the pressure.

I reviewed it a lot; it became a habit. The overwhelming anxiety and burnout, like a cycle passed through me. I have a lot to be grateful for this year. Despite the exhausting feeling, God showered me with blessings. I was able to publish two books in a row this year, and still passed the board exam. Incredibly amazing that it makes me feel dizzy to the point of my mind going blank.

It's been a while since I wrote something, and unusual might it seem, it takes longer now for me to finish one entry or one piece—but it's okay. I can write little by little. 

I guess, these scattered thoughts I have a lot of space in my mind because I am currently procrastinating. A rest from taking the board exam, but I can also think of it as burnout. A lot happened. Maybe, my mind was processing what happened in the past few months, because I was not able to that time—due to adrenaline rushing.

I miss writing so much. I miss expressing myself. I missed dressing up myself. I missed putting on a liquid eyeliner. I missed having a captured portrait myself. I missed taking pictures. I missed journaling. I missed going to the cafés. I missed filming mundane things. I incredibly missed doing art and the art itself. You see, it's been years as well since I last played my guitar. I miss creating music and singing too. Heck, I even missed cosplaying too.

In terms of expressing myself in a matter of dressing up. I don't know… be more open about myself on social media, I am still having a hard time. I am always in the middle. Always in the neutral. Always in between. I am on the verge of my thirst to express myself fully, but at the same time, I don't want to do it. I want to value my privacy and heck, even let this existence be blank in someone else's eyes.

It seriously stressing me out. My obsession thoughts are to question myself if I will do them, and the compulsion is me, ending up doing nothing. It's a distress to the point of crying.
It's so wrong to self-diagnose, but I do have a tendency to have OCPD traits. I am messy. I am in the sea of chaos. Even my expression isn't uniform. My preferences have variety which makes me miserable.

My chaos doesn't align with my ideals. I feel empty. You might think I'm insane, but I missed the feeling of emptiness and melancholy. 

I miss doing art. One thing I realized this year was… art is truly embedded in me. I'm not talking about being able to do art in all forms but being able to appreciate and somehow associate myself with it.

You see, with this resting, I have so much time to overthink. I don't know why I feel so tired and empty. This is the only full-fledged free time I have because months later, I will again be focusing on my work/career.

I once shared that I would be taking my time off to publish books. Surely, they are fulfilling, but at the same time, they are exhausting. I'm not ungrateful, in my case that's just what I genuinely feel. For now, I am still having a hard time writing, and I will come back little by little. I will try even though I know that these coming months, work will start to consume me as well.

One thing is for certain, I will not give up on writing and I will try my best to connect more with you. 2025 is approaching. Few months left. I hope you will welcome these ber-months with your heads up high. I pray for a warm season in our hearts. To move forward with life. To fight to live.