Looking back, 2024 was the year full of blessings. Despite the doubts, the fears, the universe granted me things I am not sure if I am deserve of. And now, this year is about to end. My year of 2025 is nowhere to be proud of. If there's one, it's I did survive. That's all.

The journey of this year put my existence into chaos. I am currently picking up the pieces of myself broken. I am trying to patch up my scratches to continuously live. 

They say "everyone has their first time in things". I understand that now in deeper sense. I had my first time this year that I wish I did not experience but it eases my heart to think that it's part of life. 

It shapes you. 
Pain shapes you as a person. 
And this pain is more hurtful than ever before. 

There are regrets clinging, overthinking time to time that I can't shake up. I am just thankful that despite all this pain, I have people closest to me, especially my family that no matter what happens, did not and ever not leave me. 

There are moments that there's the desire to bury myself and just sleep. 

I can’t fathom the agony of fear—losing someone is far more terrifying than I ever imagined. If I could just go back in time, to correct things, to be smarter, to be more sensitive. I am such an idiot. Someone is always protecting me, someone is always saving my ass off. I had it easy, and the worst, I keep hurting the person who did nothing but cherish me.

I am such a selfish person. A bad incarnation who's coward and couldn't even stand in her own feet. I thought 2020 the peak of pandemic and the years before that were the depressing part of my life. 

But no, 2025 exists. 

Janzzyy is stagnant here, trying hard about things. She's made a lot of mistakes, guilt haunting her and for the first time there are vivid memories she wanted to forget. 

Memories that are heavy that I think will haunt me for as long as I remember. There are currently struggles in keeping hold on the dreams of writing and field of career in psychology I don't want to let go of these pursuits. I don't want to let go of that existence. Slipping away is not an option.

I'll grip tight and hard. I don't want to let go of them. 

If I could wish, please 2026. Everyone wants to have a great prosperous year. If God won't give me that yet, please 2026, be bearable. Please let me walk little better in smoother road than the rough road I had this year. 

Sincerely,

A fragment of Janzzyy,